Humor of the Holy Spirit

I'm not sure if you know the story of me and Simon breaking off our engagement and ending our relationship. It happened almost four weeks ago. It is crazy that this time has passed so quickly. I wanted to let you know how I am doing.

I'm completely broken, every day, almost all day. I can't even explain to you the deep work God is doing in my heart. It is like the standard has hit the roof and He is really stripping me of everything that would keep me from that. This break up is just a part of this stripping. I'm welcoming it because I know the fruit of it will be closer intimacy of Jesus, a heart of grace and love towards others, and an increased sensativity to spiritual matters in general.


Some more stripping happened last night because I went to a different homegroup because Simon is going to continue to go to the other and he needs space. It was so difficult. It is my housemate who is leading it, but it was just the added newness of not knowing the procedures. There was a new girl who is just visiting from New Zealand. I didn't feel like talking and knew I was breaking all of these social expectations but I couldn't be outgoing and charming. I was mopey and sad and silent. I could tell it was making her feel awkward.

I came home from group and Megs commented "home sweet home" and this just made me want to go upstairs and cry because I don't feel this is home or sweet. This house feels expansive and lonely. I did go upstairs and cry. After I changed into my pjs I got into bed and just cried and cried and cried. I begged God to let me know him as a friend. I sang about him being closer than a brother and more intimate than a mother. I just so badly need Him. I have nothing! NOTHING! My housemate came and prayed for me and I felt peace and after she left I heard the Holy Spirit say " Look at you, you are wearing a bag on your head." And I was. . . along with two layers of pj pants. And I started to laugh! I had the the bag on my head that Ely lent me to help my dreadies form. It is a wool bag and doubles as a hat. I stuff all of my dreadies into them at night to help them form. Isn't the Holy Spirit sweet? He really does comfort and this time it was with humor. I so needed to hear that. Even now it makes me smile.

I'm lonely and really wanting to be known. My biggest cry right now is that I would know the intimacy of Jesus. I am so needy of it! I guess I'm in a good place. I'll continue to throw myself at him and cling to him with a death grip. I'm declaring that he has an everlasting love for me and that he swirls, dances and delights over me.