Lonely birds

This weekend I just hit another wall. I feel like I'm hitting them more and more frequently. And I'm hoping it's just because I'm in due need of a vacation away from Africa. And luckily in less than two weeks I'll be traveling through Turkey and Greece for 10 days!

I had a busy weekend where I was with small groups of people all weekend. And it was a mixture of people and events. Nigerians, ex-pats, married, single, engaged, new and old acquaintances, beach swims and lazy hours on couches. On Sunday after it all I felt this heavy loneliness in my heart. Because despite all of this I still felt unknown and desired for all the wrong reasons and uncomfortable about culture differences and boundaries. I desperately need someone here to connect with. I keep telling God that I just need one person! Couldn't He spare just one person? I'm not asking for a dozen or even two I just want one. One persona who has similar goals, who's in a similar season of their life, who wants to go hear live music while sober, who is adventurous and can inspire me with their stories and motivate me with their dreams. Yet, they are out there someone wandering this earth and I'm here alone. As P.K. from The Power of One by Bryce Courtenay, says the lonely birds are laying stones in my heart.

I'm tired of spending my time doing things I don't really want to do. Like seeing movies I am not interested in, or hanging out with people who don't really care about each other, or eating food that I don't want, or listening to conversations that revolve around sex or drunkenness or a combination of both. Those are the simple things but they add up really quickly to me not enjoying life. And I'm not one to just sit back and be okay with this. I've always been one to get up and do something about my unhappiness or problems. I'm a problem solver and an initiator. Here I can't think of anything to do to fix this and the problems seem to be too many.

Actually, maybe on some levels I can do something about it. I could go out for sushi and spend close to 60 dollars on my meal. But, this would leave me frustrated as well because that's not the kind of money I want to spend. I could plan an amazing trip to a near by island called Sao Tome but I would have to either invite people I don't want to or go alone. I could change the subject in conversations, but it's not long before the topic is changed back. Some days the choices here are worse or more worse. It's like picking my poison.

And I know that the Christian answer is that I should be going to Jesus in all of this. I know that He promises to be closer than a brother or mother. And I know that He just desires me to know the sweet intimacy of his love, but sometimes that sounds like a bunch of shit and the loneliness is still a very real ache. I keep on asking Him to really get my attention or to wake me up if I'm not seeing or noticing a friendship that is promising. I keep on asking "What lessons can I learn from this time of my life?" or "How can I take advantage of this solitude?" And when I do go to Him and meditate on His words it's sweet and like a quick hit of peace but it doesn't last. Where is the Holy Spirit who used to tell me jokes to make me laugh or the God who would speak to me in clear dreams?

So...there is some of the polished thorns of my life right now. Thank God there is some nectar petals connected somewhere. I am determined to find them! But, right now I'm pricked and cut up from handling the thorns and my heart is heavy from lonely bird stones.